soft voices

Love vs Fear

2012-02-17T10:34:00.004+08:00

A mother was thinking how to teach her 2 year old daughter to share a toy with her friends.

One day she saw her daughter fighting for a toy, so she came and talk nicely to the girl, asking her what would her friend feel if she grab the toy?

If she feels happy playing with the toy, wouldnt her friends also feel the same way if they can play the toy too?

And the girl learned...

Another mother was also thinking the same thing for her daughter.

One day when she witnessed her daughter fighting for a toy, she grabbed the girl, hit the girl's hand twice and scolding her for fighting.

The mother told the little girl that if she ever do that again, she will get 4 hits from the mother and not allow to play with her friends anymore.

And the girl learned...

There is no fear in love.

But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

~1 John 4:18 (NIV)

Lord, help me to obey you out of love instead of simply fearing your punishments...

The Church: BCC

2011-12-19T09:30:00.003+08:00

There are few churches in Singapore that had contribution in shaping my perspective of ministry.
I would like to mention Bartley Christian Church as the one that inspired, built, and encouraged me, not only to be a better minister, but most of all, to be a better person.
I enjoyed the choir rehearsals, relationship with the choir members, and even with the worship team members...yet I felt a bit lost when I visited them for the first time.
til I found the Indonesian (Domestic Helpers) Fellowship.
So beside leading the English choir, I brought myself involved in the fellowship..
Being actively involved in the fellowship brought me to a new perspective of mission, evangelism, and pastoral activities.
It helped me to see the people not merely as object of evangelism or even "mission field"...but the involvement helped me to see them as persons.
Listening to their struggles, problems, (and also thanksgivings!) made me realized that they are just like me... fallen human that needs to be comforted and mostly, loved.
At first I thought it will be "my duty and responsibility" to care for them, showing love, comforting or even praying for them...
but to my surprise, it wasnt about them at all..
I was showered by their love, cares, and even blessings such as cakes, kerupuk, and many other indonesian food that they cook for me.

It goes the same way with the people in the choir.
Again I thought I need to do so many pastoral things for them (beside teaching them anthems and vocal training)....at the end, I was again showered by their love, cares, and even prayers.
When I shared my struggles to them, they would really pray for me during the week and ask me again when they meet me.
Their commitment to serve God in choir truly amazed me.
Despite their heavy schedule of work and business appointments, they made choir schedule as priorities, and even put effort to listen to the youtube/mp3 links that are sent to them.
But the greatest blessings for me (as their conductor) were the times on the stage when we worship God together through worship songs, choral anthems, taize prayer songs...
Seeing the expression of worship in their eyes and in their gestures truly inspired me in worshipping God..and there I was, standing less than 3 meters in front of them.
Several times I didnt dare to look at the eyes of some persons during anthem presentations coz they were tearing when they sang the anthem...
I truly witness how the message of the anthems have touched their hearts,
and that same message is what they were trying to convey God's people who listen.
I think it's the core of the choir ministry.

It's no longer about "The choir sings beautiful!"
or "The sopranos were amazing" or "I love the male voices"....
(Yes, I was trapped in these things once)
Indeed it was a "breakthrough".. (a word from Ps.Joseph Lee, Worship Pastor@BCC)

The recent "choir exposure" trip had also blessed my own home church in Jakarta.
The coming of 14 persons with the age range from 14 to 70!! had inspired many choir members in my home church.
A mission school was blessed by their teaching and gifts
The youth was blessed by their friendly and encouraging attitudes.
Even the adults was blessed in witnessing what could happen when God's people united.
It was truly a blessed moments. (Ps 133)

These experience had also brought a revival in me.
PTL!

Counting My Blessings

2011-12-19T09:20:00.005+08:00

People say, good memories are easily forgotten,
but bad memories, hurts, bitterness, hatreds, they stay (longer)...

coming to the last semester of my study,
I decided to count my blessings...
to help my "short-term memory" remember how good God has been to me,
and to remember how much I'm loved by Him through the people surround me :)

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

in the silent

2011-09-07T23:59:00.002+08:00

I prayed like the psalmists
I grumbled of those who ruined my peace
I reported those who wronged me

Things I had been keeping inside my heart
cause they're not pleasant to be heard
Grudges I treasured inside my mind
cause I learned to "accept" others' differences
Today I poured them all

not to friends
nor to the closest one in my life
but only to You,
my Everlasting Comforter,
Source of fullness of peace
both in heart and mind

Cleanse my heart o, Lord

and grant me peace..

Final year begin..

2011-07-16T11:54:00.004+08:00

Finally, i've become one of the the final year students in School of Church Music, SBC.
Just right before the school start, many "not so happy" news came in..
new students being discouraged by the stories regarding some teachers,
some returning students had their major teacher changed,
the bulky schedule where almost all SOCM students are having class in the same time, which will cause difficulties in setting up private lessons and personal practices....

yet it has been very encouraging to see 10 new students coming this year in music department,
plus the relationship within my classmates is getting much better after the straight-talk we had at class trip in Malacca, end of last semester.

This final year we are all preparing for our Senior Recital, with all the targets in mind, load of stress, physically and emotionally...and plannings for the future after graduation..
Hmm.. All these anxious thoughts I commit to my God and my Savior.

He was the One who had brought me here,
His grace has been overflow during my 3 years of study here,
I know He will bring me to the end of this journey of study.

Great is Thy faithfulness unto me.

beautiful for Him

2011-03-31T14:26:00.003+08:00

Being single again after few years of relationship is never easy, especially when you're not "that" young anymore..
It means adjustments of the daily routines, priorities, future plans, which relates to ministry, families, and financial matters.
Not only that, it also means nights of wet pillow, panda-eyes, roller-coaster emotion, or even sleepless nights..

The worst feeling comes out of a broken relationship is the feeling of unworthiness.
at least that's the feeling I experienced..
There would be times when I thought of myself very low, not as being humble...
but more to insecure and lost of confident.
Going to the mirror just to feel ugly, old, and tired.
and worst: unloved.

This is one of the song that had brought blessing and comfort for me during those times.
I think this song should be a "MUST LISTEN" song for ALL ladies, despite of your age.
In your deepest despair, remember that there's Someone who never quit loving you..

Thank You, Lord
for I know You created me beautiful for You

grow old vs grow up

2011-02-15T17:13:00.003+08:00

Usually the "most sensitive" day of the year would be my birthday, but this year...
preparing for the junior recital has been making me much more sensitive than ever!

Usually the "most sensitive" day is literally a one day thing...
but this "sensitive" mood has been going for dayzzzzz...
(even worst than having period!)

i've been daydreaming on a lot of bad things..
imagining a lot of "what if"s..
crying silently during meditation, in the class, and before sleep..
easily discouraged by others' comments..
having detailed planning of how to take revenge of it..
or simply imagining of shouting back to them..
complaining to God about them..
complaining to God for having this emotion inside of me..
thinking of hiding in the corner under my table with my bolster and blanket for the whole day..

aarghh.. >.<
still wondering until now..
when will i become an emotionally matured person?
when will i have a "weather-proofed" heart?

a new decade of my life is about to come..
yet here i am..still with a childish thought and emotion..

grow up, will you..?!!

The "new" Beautitudes

2011-01-08T08:24:00.003+08:00

Jesus said:
You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less -
That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God.
He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care.
At the moment of being "care-full", you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right.
Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.
That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.
The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

Count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit Me.
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.

Matthew 5:3-11 ~ The Message

A new horizon arose in me when I read this "new" Beautitudes.
Thank God for "The Message".
When we think that we've lost something, we actually gain more...
Cheer up, we're blessed! ^_^

shower of blessings

2010-11-07T19:16:00.006+08:00

This semester I have 10 final exams in 2 weeks.
4 exams in the first week, and the rest in the following week.
I have been stressed, sensitive, emotional, high tempered, and physically weak...

but, look how God shows His care....
He gave me angels to surround me with love and cares.. ^_^

nite before my grade 8 theory exam, Kristina Bjorkman paste this on my door...
gr.8 theory is one of the requirement to continue the 4th year..
if any of us doesnt pass this Trinity exam, he or she will certainly be granted only Diploma,
cannot continue to Bachelor degree..
It's not something like extremely difficult.. but the consequences that follow the exam was a scary thing for everybody in my class..

and then, the note came...
comforting..
and encouraging...

she knows I love cat pictures, so she drew a cat there.. hahaha..

then the first week ended.
and now, I'm facing 5 more exams (1 of the exams was changed into an assignment) and 2 final assignments all due in next week..

again, He showered me with a lovely blessing from my roommate...

chocolate always works!!
^_^

thank you, Lord...
for sending these 2 angels for me..

Andaikan....

2010-10-27T16:15:00.003+08:00

Few years ago, I went to Bali to visit my friend's family.
I never thought that the visit brought me a new family there.
His parents were so nice and warm towards me (and my other friend), and I still remember I went with tears when I left his parents' house.

This week, they came to Singapore!
It's actually for shushu (my friend's father)'s heart surgery.
I visited them a couple of times during their stay @ Raffles Hospital, and always enjoyed their warmth welcome...
They left Singapore today as Shushu's recovery from the surgery went well.
I hope to meet you again, Shushu, yiyi...

this is Shushu's favorite song when I met him the first time in Bali.
Everytime I listen to this song, I would remember him...

and somehow the lyrics become real with what's happening inside my heart right now...

With God's strength, I'll go on
only, I wish.....

2010-10-20T12:20:00.004+08:00

One day, a japanesse friend shared in the music chapel based on 1 Thess 5: 16-18
"Be joyful always;
pray continually;
give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

It was a very encouraging moment for me...
she's not sharing this in an easy circumstances.
She was facing tremendous marriage problem while alone in a country that she has no relatives.
But it was through this problem, God called her to know Him, and even used her as channel to blessed, to encourage, to comfort other ladies facing the same problem.
It was one night that she comfort another lady with the same problem she experienced, she sang a song to comfort this lady.
It's a Japanesse song (I totally forgot how to pronounce it!!) with children tune, which words are taken from this passage.
The writer shared something along with the song.

Here is the quote that my japanesse friend shared based on the passages:
when u just couldnt find any reason to be happy, be joyful always!
when u're too busy to pray, pray unceasingly!
when facing the difficult circumstances n discouraging people, give thanks!
~ Rennie Ohtani

Joy is not a state of heart without problem,
but it is the presence of Christ.

a reminder

2010-10-20T11:42:00.001+08:00

Today I read an interesting quote in "Lady in Waiting":
- impression without expression leads to depression -

hmm...reminded me on my blog..
should write more before I'm heading to depression :p

the DAY

2010-03-14T08:47:00.003+08:00

the day is coming AGAIN.....

while all the people are saying wishes and happy this - happy that...
here i am, seated in the silence...
facing the MOST sensitive day of the year...

no title

2010-02-18T07:22:00.003+08:00

she sleeps around 1 am everyday, wakes up at 5am to do her daily devotion and Bible reading.
morning cleaning duty comes after that, then half an hour jogging to Botanic Garden.
Breakfast, shower and make up.
Then her day "starts".

Reading assignments,
Theology papers,
Sermon assignments,
Harmony homework,
Classes,
Ear training and conducting self-practice,
Music Lessons,
Chapels,
Student Council meetings and tasks,
Duties required for scholarship, 4 hours a week,
also need to practice for music lessons too!! hmm..say, 2-3 hours per day.
must practice for church ministry also! practice their choral songs, congregation songs.

Suddenly out of nowhere someone came to her life.
what?? extra time for listening to your problems?
extra time to help you with your songs?
extra time to rehearse your songs?
I almost don't have time for myself!
Can't you see I'm very busy that I can't even breathe?

no judgments made.
simply wondering if her Bible is different with mine.
or perhaps it's just a "clash" of perspective?

a decision.

2010-02-07T13:35:00.003+08:00

it's never an easy decision...
after so much time, emotion, and energy consumed, a difficult decision has to be made.
many things could be learned from the past,and somehow I hope have gained some growth in me.

here I am.
alone yet not lonely.
single yet contented.
no regret, only Praise the Lord.

"I know that you can do all things;
no plans of yours can be thwarted."
Job 42:1

to give up or not to give up

2010-01-24T08:01:00.002+08:00

Should this part be played crescendo or diminuendo?
Is this part still belong to the phrase or it's the echo?
Should it be louder or softer than the previous one?
How loud is forte, and how loud is mf?
wrong fingering, think how should it be..
it's not forte, you were BANGing it!
play softer, with more flat fingers..
the running notes are not even..
left and right must be together!

desperate :(
my techniques and my knowledge are not there yet.
i'm not qualified for this exam.
i'm not even qualified to play this instrument.
i'm only a piano-minor.

"What are you doing, Eirene?"
--I'm giving up.

Look up!
then look around..
exam is not about getting distinctions..
many people had merits or even simply passed, but they passed.
it's the process.
how the endurance is being built,
humility to be molded,
patience to persevere,
and to experience God's grace and strength instead of my own.

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world—not even our troubles."

Charlie Chaplin

Thank you, Lord....

2009-05-14T18:00:00.000+08:00

in remembrance of
a lonely night
@ Singapore Botanic Garden

Thank you, Lord..
for always being there for me..

teachable...

2009-04-21T12:53:00.005+08:00

It is almost the end of my second semester here, and next week will be our jury week.
yesterday, my voice lecturer, Mrs. Alice Mui said this to me at the end of my voice lesson,
"i really enjoyed teaching you.. you are so teachable.."

her encouragement made me reflect back to my last semester memories of voice lessons,
even to my journal which I wrote on last semester about this...

it was never been easy for me...
God knows how many times I got angry to her,
not knowing what she really wants from me,
having strange feeling in the technical things she asked me to do,
and even got sick of singing....

when I went home, people said I sang clearer and better,
and I stood there, confused...what's the different..?
I thought I didnt get anything "new" from my teacher.

as I realized how arrogant I was,
I knelt and asked GOD a heart fulled of desire to learn,
a humble heart...
a disciple heart...
a servant heart...

and if I can be as I am now...
enjoying every lesson I have with her, and even more lessons outside the regular times...
enjoying being "mold" by her,
happily shaped into what she thinks is better for me..

that kind of heart..
that kind of attitude..
I know exactly it's TOTALLY because of God's grace,
because of His love...

dan bila aku berdiri
tegar sampai hari ini
bukan karena kuat dan hebatku
semua karena Cinta
terima kasih, Cinta....

Lord, please help me to stay consistent...

the anxious times...

2009-04-17T12:23:00.001+08:00

it's been quite a while since I can sleep tight at night...
these few weeks, no matter how tired I am, how late I sleeps, my sleeps always end at around 5am.

I'm tired...
lack of sleep,
assignments' due,
choir rehearsals,
practices for performances,
the routine morning duties and table duties,
church responsibilities,
Student Council tasks,
relationship with friends and families...

aaarrghh....
I was crying while reading Psalm 4
Lord, I really want to lie down and sleep in peace...
please grant me peace in my heart and in my mind...
T_T

My First Holy Week in Singapore

2009-04-13T06:00:00.001+08:00

the Maundy Thursday Chapel at school was awesome..
it is my first experience on Maundy Thursday (I never have it back home).

it was actually close to the Good Friday Service in my home-church,
remembering Christ's suffering, the cross, the last supper, etc...etc..
but at this time, Dr.Merlyn Yap arranged a service where we were not only doing the "feel" and "hear" but also "touch"...
she combined those three senses of ours to deepen our understanding of the cross.

Started with 4 persons reading on Christ being beaten 40 times minus 1.
He's beaten because of our transgression, our sins...
it is our pride, our selfishness, our lust, our anger, our cruelty that He bore on His back..
around 5 or 6 stanzas of a hymn "Were You There" became alive in front of me...
when I put my fingers on a "crown" of thorns...
when I held a big nail, which actually still smaller than the one they used to my Jesus...

Lord, how deep is your love for me...
it's indeed beyond measure...

This holy week was very packed and fulled with lots of "activities".
I spent the Thursday night with a service in my FE church, St. Peter's Church..
having James as my pianist, and enjoy serving together with the choir for the Maundy Thursday Service. It's amazing how we can worked out together with only 1 practice with the pianist.
the rehearsal itself was quite disaster because of the "slightly" different view of the tempo...for ALL of the songs..
but at the service itself, we managed the tempo very well..
^_^

The next day, I went back there again for the Good Friday Service.
After that, I rushed to GKY Singapore to participate in their "mini cantata".
I sang "Via Dolorosa"...
It's been awhile since the last time I sang that song..
and I felt so blessed, so deeply touched by the words, the music, the emotions....

Saturday was a different story...
it's our concert day with SSO (again)..
We sang "Haydn Mass" at the Esplanade.
I just felt -plain- when I sang it..
somehow..it was just a good music, nothing more.
hmm...need more "enlightenment" about it.

.....

me and peter

2009-04-02T17:49:00.004+08:00

yes, I'm talking about Peter, the apostle of Jesus Christ!!

During these few weeks, I don't know how many times I've heard about Peter, or message taken from Peter's epistle.
Out of nowhere, my thought flew to him personally.
I remember him as the fastest among Jesus' disciples to give responses, answers, and even fast to do what he thinks right.
remember:
Peter's answer on Jesus's question "who am I" on Luke 9:18-27;
Peter's response during the transfiguration on Luke 9:33
Peter's promise to defend Jesus during the Last Supper on Luke 22:33
Peter's action when Jesus was arrested on John 18:10
and finally,
Peter's answer on Jesus' question "do you love me" on John 21:15-25

I reflect on myself....
remembering how I often (if not ALMOST ALWAYS) give quick response in anything..
looking at Peter's life was like having a mirror in front of me.
fast of answering, giving response in some matters, and even putting into acts without a deeper thoughts about it.

Being realized of this attitude inside me, sometimes I remember to withhold my responses to spend more time to think deeper about it..
Although many times the response seldom change from the first response I made, I know I would have a better reason to have this particular response.
And this reason is the one that uphold me in times of uncertainty, discourage, or confusion.

But in some cases, I thank God for these "fast response" I had..
knowing that if I didn't do/answer earlier, I might have changed my mind and lose the opportunities.

Aaargghh...
Life really put me in so many choices, options which can lead to different things...
just like an old children book I used to read, when you think A then go to "this" page, if you think B then go to "this" page...
each option you take will brings you to the different "Ending" of the stories.

My anxiousness turned to joy when I remember of Rom8:28
"And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
This promise certainly comforts me, just like fresh dew in the dry morning...
Knowing that He will uphold me, no matter what I decision I made.

It doesn't mean I can choose carelessly and ask Him to make it "right"....
but for me personally,
it's more to having certainty in whatever response I made, GOD is "at work".
Just like he drew Peter back with his three question on "do you love me"...
curing Peter's feeling of unworthiness and disappointment...

He cares.
And just as He didnt leave Peter with his "unworthy" condition,
I believe that He will do the same if I come to a "wrong" choice..

so, don't quit, Eirene!!
keep pressing on...
and thank God for everything He has given inside you.
^_^

great impact

2009-03-24T20:39:00.002+08:00

"Small deeds done with great love will have great impact"

-Mother Teresa-

this week, the vicar in my FE church delivered a sermon of John 6:1-15,
about Jesus feeds the Five thousand.

He pointed to the boy who gave up his 5 small barley loaves and 2 small fish,
and how in God's hand it became a great blessing for 5000 men, not including women and children.
But the main thing is, this boy was willing to gave up his own "lunch"...

God can make our "small things" become great blessing for others.
The important question is...
--are we willing to give up our "lunch"..?--

Lord, grant me a sensitive eyes
to see other's needs more than mine,

grant me a sensitive mind
to know when I need to make a step for others,

grant me a faithful heart
to pray for others unceasingly

although it seems to be difficult,
although it will cost time, energy and feelings
although I may not know the reason why...

help me, Lord
to walk and live Your path..

the new age..

2009-03-17T12:57:00.004+08:00

it's not about the world ideology..
it's just as plain as it is..
my new age..

I thank GOD for many birthday wishes (and parties) from my lovely friends..
A friend told me that I am RICH, because I have a lot of friends and people who love and care for me...
And I Thank God for that!! ^_^

I really enjoyed my 1st birthday here in singapore, with a lot of friends who has been a family for me..
I thank God for you all...
my classmates, the St.Peter's Church choir members, my lovely girlz at GKY SG who are joining the piano training under me, and all my friends who had prayed for me and given me their best wishes...
I thank God for each one of you ^_^

As God added one year in my age,
I believe He will continue to uphold me in my journey walking His path, just as He has been...

Praise the Lord!

me and missions

2009-03-10T20:26:00.003+08:00

Last week was the mission emphasis week in my school, ended with exhibition and performances in the international nite, where the Indonesian students presented "Sik Sik Si Batumanikam" in 4 parts acapella with dancing I learned from Unpar Choir ^_^

but that's not what I'm going to write right now...
the thing is..

I felt it again..
the touch..
the calling..

along the 4-day messages during the chapel time, I kept recalling my previous calling into mission, in the National Students Camp 2003. (gosh!! it's been 6 years now!!! and I still haven't gone to ANY mission field!)
There were few times I had planned to go for missions, but somethings just came out and made me have to cancel the plannings...
and those "somethings" were also important "local" ministries... :-?

So, I started to pray again for going into short-term missions.
Few choices I have in mind right now...
I'm interested to go with the SMF (SBC Mission Fellowship), which always has a mission trip at the end of every semester.
I also found "Serving in Mission", and organization that support missions and arrange for short-term mission trips.
The last choice I can think of is the most reachable one, it is in my own country, joining the ministry of a church in Yogyakarta, and I can go for 2 weeks-1month, basically up to me... ^_^

well, when I see all of these choices,
the harvests are really plenty..!!!
As His labor, would I go for Him??

As a start, I took the privilege to be a prayer-partner of a friend who is going to a mission in India in May :)
He is going to visit our other friend's hometown in India for two weeks, so it is arranged that he will give some training or workshops for the pianists, and maybe the choir in the local church there.

hmm... I envied him when he first told me about his planning..
but I realized, my time hasn't come yet..
I still have a lot to be prepared,
heart, knowledge, skills, and of course.. financial..
hmm...
keep praying on it!!! ^^

Here I am, Lord
I will go, Lord, if You lead me...

the balcony and the cellar

2009-03-03T06:16:00.003+08:00

I got back my reflection paper yesterday, and I want to internalize my self with one of my reading for Christian Education subject on Youth Ministry..

"Let the balcony people speak to their cellar voices"

from: Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Teenager, Victor Books,
pg.140

The sentence explains how youngsters should learn to have an ability to filter people surround them, having people that can lift them up with love, hope and courage as "balcony people" so that they won't wallow in negativism and despair.

I know my self as a people-oriented person,
and I thanked God for giving me a lot of "balcony people" in my life,
to speak to my "cellar voice"...

My pray is that I can also be a "balcony" person for someone else, who can give comfort, courage, words of love for others who are in need...

Please help me, Lord...

Moses and me..

2009-02-20T23:11:00.003+08:00

There was this song about Moses sung at this previous combined chapel (during Music Week).
It is a recitative but indeed melodious-21century mix with gospel style-creatively presented by the music pastor of International Baptist Church.

But the ending part was the most touching part.
The movement was so melodious, explaining the application of the previous story about Moses into our present life.
When God asked Moses, ' What is that you have in your hand?'
The song reminded the listener that God asked what we have in our hands, not something that we dont have. God want to use it. But the problem is...
Are we willing to give it up?
throw it down and let God use it?
Just like He used Moses' rod to save His people...

I made a reflection on my self....
There were a lot of times when I held what I got so tight, that I really didnt want to give it up to anybody, not even to God..
and sometimes even when I had decided to give it up, I didnt really give the WHOLE thing up...
i still held back some of it with me...

One thing I can recall is my voice.
My voice teacher, Mrs.Alice Mui mentioned about the parable of talent in my previous lesson with her. She said if God gave us 5000talents, how much does He expect back from us?
Will it be enough just to give Him back 1000talents?
or even 3000 talents or 4000talents??

It's extremely difficult to give up something you've been holding for a long time..
although the purpose for you to give it up is actually to be mold, polished, refined....to be a better you.
But still it took me one whole semester to start to "surrender" my vocal technic, and it's not even ALL of it...
I'm still struggling until this time - the middle of the second semester already-
I know I'm still holding back some of it, dont know when I can really give it up ALL..since I dont even know which part I'm still holding back...

aarrghhhh.... >.<

LORD, grant me humility to give up all I have into Your hand..
and strengthen my heart during this training time
to be able to give my best unto You
and to be blessing for others...

the differences..

2009-02-16T18:24:00.006+08:00

An interesting fact happened when I was helping two of my classmates in "ear training" subject.
Like usual I gave them a few bars of melodic line and then asked them to write them in the manuscript paper.
My classmates were writing in their own papers and doing a little bit humming, and solfege-ing :p
Suddenly one of them asked me about a note and when I answered him, the other one got confused and started to ask me questions regarding the melodies I gave them because my answer to the other boy confused him. When I explained to the second boy, the first boy also got confused!

Suddenly I laughed, because they were not "talking" in the same language..!!
The first boy has perfect pitch, so he and I were talking in the fixed DO context, while the other boy was thinking in movable DO, so it doesn't make sense to him. And when I explained to the second boy I was talking in movable DO, so it confused the first boy.
I was stunned by the fact that with a single melody line, you can grabbed different methods, but at the end, the "end-product" could not be different.

Personally, I encountered this fact also regarding the Word of God.
How come the same Word, the same Bible, the same faith could bring people in such a great disunity.. I haven't had Doctrines as my course subjects for now, but I'm looking forward to it, and I recall one of my friend explained the debate between Armenian and Calvinist, and how she got almost frustrated in making paper on it..

I would tend to think for myself hmm....perhaps what people call, apathetic.
There might be different ways to understand the Bible, to put our faith into our limited words and logic, but the end-product is the most important thing.
Are we going to sit down and spend our life time just to discuss our faith?
Will more words and talks transform our lives...?

No wonder James could bravely said,
Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:17)

I believe our faith transform not only our minds and souls, but also our lives.
And the end-product of the real faith doesn't need to be spoken out, it will be simply seen.
And I believe that is much more attractive for others to know our Lord than a grand debate on doctrines.

me and my thoughts

2009-02-10T00:45:00.000+08:00

Before Chinese New Year break, I received my grades for the last semester.
It was a very high achievement for me.
I was very thankful, happy, and kind of glad knowing that my hardwork was not for nothing..
Above all, I gave thanks to God, because everything I achieved was only by His grace alone.

When I looked back to the last semester,
all the choir-concerts we had with those "thousands" of go-for-sight-readings rehearsals,
tons of reading assignments that led me scoring myself a "0" (zero) because I finished the reading more than 10 days after the due date.. (hix!!),
papers that killing my brain by thinking what are OTHER words I could use to express my thoughts... (My vocabulary is just SO POOR!!)
and the voice and piano practices that were not only time and effort consuming, but also mentally irritating..

and I knew I couldn't make it unless with the divine strength from God alone..

After the thanksgiving feeling was over,
then suddenly out-of-nowhere came the thoughts of other's grades...
how are my other friends' grades..?
Did they score as "high" as I do??
I started to think of my friends one by one..
and then something came.... thoughts of my other friends that would probably got higher GPA than me..
I found one person in my thoughts.
I never asked her about her GPA, but my "imaginative" calculator told me she scored higher.
Then I began to grumble before GOD..
I know I deserve what I gain, meaning that I realized I don't deserve more than that. And if my friend got higher, it's purely because she deserved to get that, because she is very smart, diligent and hardworking person.

But then...
I always helped other friends in some subjects, and by doing that actually I spent my study-time many hours every week just to assist the others, while she could study for herself, for her own grades.
I really felt mad at God, it's really not fair.
As the result, I became resentful toward my friend, while she knows nothing about it.
I really thought that I'm surrounded by self-centered people, who only care about themselves without thinking of helping others.
And I was thinking to become one of them.
Just one self-centered person more in this world wont give much harm to the world anyway...

It took me several weeks to realize the REAL cause of my angry feeling.
It was jealousy.
And it's destroying my soul day by day.
Until one time, in his illustration, my teacher mentioned about "not knowing others' grades is the best". It would avoid comparisons, lack of self-confidence, and in many cases, arrogancy.

Only by then I started questioning my self, what are my grades for...
Am I doing all the hard work only for the grades?
Or will it be very useful to hunt for "jobs" after I graduate?
Suddenly I felt so ridiculous I've been these weeks.
Wasting time and energy resenting others instead of thanking what He's given me...

When I look up, I actually didn't see those my "negative-thoughts".
They were only inside my brain.
And they entered my soul because I let them to.
I really should close the door now, and sweep everything out :p

My dear Lord,
thank you for bringing me back :)
thank you for your unconditional love that accepts me just as I am.

The Bakkwa

2009-02-03T17:32:00.003+08:00

After finishing the choir rehearsal at my FE (field education) church last Saturday evening, like usual I went to AMK to shop some stuff.
When I passed a bakkwa (barbecued pork) store, I was thinking...
"hmm...having bakkwa would be nice.."

So I thought I would consider again later after I finished my shopping. Having finished the shopping, I walked home and passed that store again.
I started to walk slower, looking at the price (it was above 50 SGD/kg), and counting how many grams would I buy and how much would it cost me..
After silently counting, I got an approximate cost. It would cost 3 to 4 times of meals at the hawker. And I was about to spend it only for bakkwa??
I finally decided not to buy that and went home straight away.

Later that night, I was practicing piano at the music studio, suddenly out of nowhere, my friend Kok Sieng (Joshua) came and offered me cookies from his auntie. He got a package of Chinese New Year foods. He was asking me if I want to take some cookies, and I deliberately asked him if it was a bakkwa filling cookies or not.. and he laugh.. (is there EVER any bakkwa cookies???) He just replied, it's green bean cookies. So I took 1 small cookie from his jar, then he suddenly said.. "but I do have some bakkwa.." My eyes became bigger as I looked at him. I think my eyes was as big as a goldfish's eyes!
He told me to follow him out of the studio and opened his box of package. He took out a package of bakkwa and offered me to take 1 slice.
I was so amazed, never thought that my little "desire" would be fulfilled. At that night before I slept, I talked with God and thanked Him for answering my "wish" for bakkwa..
^^

Later on Sunday morning, the conggregation and the choir sang "All The Way My Savior Leads Me" at the end of the service.
I recalled once God also answered Fanny J. Crosby's prayer just in a few moments, that inspire her to write a poem, which latter on was musicalized into that familiar hymn.

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who thro' life has been my Guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell
For I know, whatever befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

(text: Fanny J.Crosby; music: Robert Lowry)

He was not only listening to my prayer,
but He knew my "silent desire"
and He just showed His mercies upon me.
It was never a coincidence.

My lips shall praise Thee
for Thy loving kindness is better than life.

I know HE watches me

2009-01-28T13:19:00.005+08:00

A couple times living far from home made me have 2 extreme feelings.
Sometimes I could just live as if I have no relatives, and living a "peaceful" life in my own world, without knowing or just didn't give any care for the problems and all those struggles at home.
I could feel as if I'm an outsider, no need to interfere in "their" internal matters, let "them" handle "their" problems. And I was happy with those thoughts, I enjoy my "singleness" and living it out with contentment.

On the other hand,
when I finally brought myself to the understanding for my family's internal matters, my life became fulled of worries, confuses and a lot of anxious thoughts just floating in my mind.
My sleeps become restless, my appetite suddenly gone, and sometimes it also distracts me from my focus.

And it stroke again in these few days.
the anxiousness was coming..
thoughts about my "baby" sister, about her education and her needs,
about my parents and their relationship,
about my brother and his apathetic manner towards our family's issues,
about their occupation and financial matters,
about their daily life and the household's needs,
etc..etc..

though I have already had a lot of lessons regarding anxiousness,
still.... I must learn, and continue learning..
to trust the ONE who settled us all in this family,
under the rule of HIS servant, named Soegijanto.

learn to surrender fully unto HIM,
trust in HIS provision,
keep counting HIS blessings,
rely on HIS love,
and desire HIS will.

Often I felt discouraged, with the length of my studies here I can barely do anything for them. But my prayer will always be with them, putting my faith unto HIM who will always care and the only ONE who can always be there for each of them.
He who puts HIS eye on the sparrow, would watches my family even more....

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely
and long for heav'n and home

When Jesus is my portion?
My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me

His Eye is On the Sparrow by Civilla D.Martin,
music by Charles H.Gabriel

tired...

2009-01-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

the second semester is only going to the 3rd week, but somehow i feel exhausted already.

I started this semester with sore throat, losing voice and coughing..
made me spend extra time for making lohanguo drinks, honey-lemon drinks, chrysantemum tea, salt-lemon concentrate, salt-water, steamed pear with chinese medicine, shopping extra fruits like apples, bananas, etc..
ooh..

I was so very occupied that I'd just realized, I didnt even bring my illness to GOD, my creator, the ONE who knows my body more than everyone in the whole world..
what on earth was I talking about in my prayers everyday anyway???????!!!
aaargghhh...

sometimes I can really do "formal" prayers with "default" words and sentences.. >.<
and other times I think He is so great that He wouldn't be interested in my "tiny-little" problems.. like sore throat..
when I started to lose my voice, couldnt follow the choir rehearsals' schedule, cancelling the voice lesson.. only then I started to realized, this isn't tiny anymore..
and only by then I realized, I havent even mentioned my throat to Him..!
not that He didnt know about it..
it just showed how shallow my relationship with Him lately, I think..
I can easily mentioned about it to my friends, but how could I missed telling Him about it..??!!
the coughing hasn't ended yet, suddenly the allergic symptoms came..
it's all over my face, although it's not too bad, it's just confusing me..
what happened to my body??
hmmph.. >.<

then this thing happened..
I lost my keys. Dorm-card, room key, and mailbox key.
all of that cost me 25 S$ because I tried looking for them for 2days and still couldnt find it.
I got stress up, confused, and just...disturbed with this case.
I could't stop feeling upset to myself, thinking how careless I was..
so I finally decided to give up, so just paid to the bussiness office, get the new dorm-card, waiting for the rest of keys being duplicated..
and suddenly this afternoon my roommate found my keys during her cleaning our room..
somehow it was in her basket on her table..
how could it be??? no one could ever answer that question, I think..
hmmph.. >.<

and at the end of this 2nd week, when I scrolled down my agenda, I saw the due dates of my assignments were just..coming..and keep coming..and keep coming..
so many things to be read, to be written, to be practiced, to be sung, and it's just keep going and going..
aaarrrghhh.....

Lord, You know I'm not as healthy and as strong as people think I am..
I'm physically weak..
I'm sick now..
not only physically, but also with my life, I guess..
I'm tired..
I just wanna rest for a while..
sleep for a day..
well...a little longer would be better..

but...
I know You dont call me to come here just to sleep..

then...
I remember..

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
II Cor 12:9

I just want to come into Your loving arm, and rest there..
May in my weaknesses, Your power be known, O Lord..

e.

the fruit...

2009-01-12T21:32:00.001+08:00

John 15:1-8

the verse i got from yesterday's service, spoken by God through His servant, Rev.Freddy Lay..
exposing about the fruits of a tree that attract people to see the tree.
I tried to track back my life..
in my attitude,
in my words,
in my cares for others,
in my services (so-called:serving GOD),
in my piano-playing,
in my singing,
in my dreams toward the future...

who would people see through all of that??
Can people see God through my life?
hmm...

and where did those fruits coming from anyway?
they came from the branches that stick on the tree!
"If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from me you can do nothing." (v.5b)

Three wonderful things that happen when we abide in Him:
* a fruitful life
* a trustful life
* a disciple's life

Lord, as I serve You, ministering your people,
strengthened me to always abide in You.

PS:
Today is the first time I heard with my own ear, i'm called by:
GI.Eirene Soegijanto (preacher Eirene Soegijanto)

aaaarrghh..
I'm so surprised and embarrassed..
I was like...opening my big mouth and just can't believe what I read in PPT and heard from the pulpit..
for me, the name was just..hmm..
it consists of a HUGE responsibility,
mature and godly attitude,
calm and gentle character,
and just sounds...not me...YET(??)

-- so help me God –

again.. a new start

2009-01-12T21:22:00.001+08:00

FINALLY!!
i can have my personal account in blogspot... yay!!! ^^

my previous blog can hardly be reached these days.. :(
so anyway..

I'm glad to have this blog in the beginning of my 2nd semester in Singapore Bible College (SBC), not only to continue my spiritual-journaling, but also as a remembrance of God's provision, blessings, grace and mercy throughout my life and my family's.

and for now...
I thank God for the excitement facing the new semester and the years ahead..
^^

e.