me and my thoughts

Before Chinese New Year break, I received my grades for the last semester.
It was a very high achievement for me.
I was very thankful, happy, and kind of glad knowing that my hardwork was not for nothing..
Above all, I gave thanks to God, because everything I achieved was only by His grace alone.

When I looked back to the last semester,
all the choir-concerts we had with those "thousands" of go-for-sight-readings rehearsals,
tons of reading assignments that led me scoring myself a "0" (zero) because I finished the reading more than 10 days after the due date.. (hix!!),
papers that killing my brain by thinking what are OTHER words I could use to express my thoughts... (My vocabulary is just SO POOR!!)
and the voice and piano practices that were not only time and effort consuming, but also mentally irritating..

and I knew I couldn't make it unless with the divine strength from God alone..



After the thanksgiving feeling was over,
then suddenly out-of-nowhere came the thoughts of other's grades...
how are my other friends' grades..?
Did they score as "high" as I do??
I started to think of my friends one by one..
and then something came.... thoughts of my other friends that would probably got higher GPA than me..
I found one person in my thoughts.
I never asked her about her GPA, but my "imaginative" calculator told me she scored higher.
Then I began to grumble before GOD..
I know I deserve what I gain, meaning that I realized I don't deserve more than that. And if my friend got higher, it's purely because she deserved to get that, because she is very smart, diligent and hardworking person.

But then...
I always helped other friends in some subjects, and by doing that actually I spent my study-time many hours every week just to assist the others, while she could study for herself, for her own grades.
I really felt mad at God, it's really not fair.
As the result, I became resentful toward my friend, while she knows nothing about it.
I really thought that I'm surrounded by self-centered people, who only care about themselves without thinking of helping others.
And I was thinking to become one of them.
Just one self-centered person more in this world wont give much harm to the world anyway...

It took me several weeks to realize the REAL cause of my angry feeling.
It was jealousy.
And it's destroying my soul day by day.
Until one time, in his illustration, my teacher mentioned about "not knowing others' grades is the best". It would avoid comparisons, lack of self-confidence, and in many cases, arrogancy.

Only by then I started questioning my self, what are my grades for...
Am I doing all the hard work only for the grades?
Or will it be very useful to hunt for "jobs" after I graduate?
Suddenly I felt so ridiculous I've been these weeks.
Wasting time and energy resenting others instead of thanking what He's given me...

When I look up, I actually didn't see those my "negative-thoughts".
They were only inside my brain.
And they entered my soul because I let them to.
I really should close the door now, and sweep everything out :p

My dear Lord,
thank you for bringing me back :)
thank you for your unconditional love that accepts me just as I am.