The Stones That Remain

In the dust of our crumbling institutions,

in the dust of our crumbling witness,

in the dust of our crumbling fellowship,

the Servant kneels and writes,

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

And I gather the stones that remain

from my original allotment

and determine to build an altar

- regrettably smaller now that it might have been -

smaller for the want of wasted stones.

I gather the stones that remain

and determine to build an altar of worship.

Who will join me?

- by Terry W.York (from The Church Musician, 1996)

a poem about leaving our childish stone throwing behind

and using our energies for worship

Love vs Fear

A mother was thinking how to teach her 2 year old daughter to share a toy with her friends.

One day she saw her daughter fighting for a toy, so she came and talk nicely to the girl, asking her what would her friend feel if she grab the toy?

If she feels happy playing with the toy, wouldnt her friends also feel the same way if they can play the toy too?

And the girl learned...

Another mother was also thinking the same thing for her daughter.

One day when she witnessed her daughter fighting for a toy, she grabbed the girl, hit the girl's hand twice and scolding her for fighting.

The mother told the little girl that if she ever do that again, she will get 4 hits from the mother and not allow to play with her friends anymore.

And the girl learned...

There is no fear in love.

But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.

The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

~1 John 4:18 (NIV)

Lord, help me to obey you out of love instead of simply fearing your punishments...

The Church: BCC

There are few churches in Singapore that had contribution in shaping my perspective of ministry.
I would like to mention Bartley Christian Church as the one that inspired, built, and encouraged me, not only to be a better minister, but most of all, to be a better person.
I enjoyed the choir rehearsals, relationship with the choir members, and even with the worship team members...yet I felt a bit lost when I visited them for the first time.
til I found the Indonesian (Domestic Helpers) Fellowship.
So beside leading the English choir, I brought myself involved in the fellowship..
Being actively involved in the fellowship brought me to a new perspective of mission, evangelism, and pastoral activities.
It helped me to see the people not merely as object of evangelism or even "mission field"...but the involvement helped me to see them as persons.
Listening to their struggles, problems, (and also thanksgivings!) made me realized that they are just like me... fallen human that needs to be comforted and mostly, loved.
At first I thought it will be "my duty and responsibility" to care for them, showing love, comforting or even praying for them...
but to my surprise, it wasnt about them at all..
I was showered by their love, cares, and even blessings such as cakes, kerupuk, and many other indonesian food that they cook for me.

It goes the same way with the people in the choir.
Again I thought I need to do so many pastoral things for them (beside teaching them anthems and vocal training)....at the end, I was again showered by their love, cares, and even prayers.
When I shared my struggles to them, they would really pray for me during the week and ask me again when they meet me.
Their commitment to serve God in choir truly amazed me.
Despite their heavy schedule of work and business appointments, they made choir schedule as priorities, and even put effort to listen to the youtube/mp3 links that are sent to them.
But the greatest blessings for me (as their conductor) were the times on the stage when we worship God together through worship songs, choral anthems, taize prayer songs...
Seeing the expression of worship in their eyes and in their gestures truly inspired me in worshipping God..and there I was, standing less than 3 meters in front of them.
Several times I didnt dare to look at the eyes of some persons during anthem presentations coz they were tearing when they sang the anthem...
I truly witness how the message of the anthems have touched their hearts,
and that same message is what they were trying to convey God's people who listen.
I think it's the core of the choir ministry.

It's no longer about "The choir sings beautiful!"
or "The sopranos were amazing" or "I love the male voices"....
(Yes, I was trapped in these things once)
Indeed it was a "breakthrough".. (a word from Ps.Joseph Lee, Worship Pastor@BCC)

The recent "choir exposure" trip had also blessed my own home church in Jakarta.
The coming of 14 persons with the age range from 14 to 70!! had inspired many choir members in my home church.
A mission school was blessed by their teaching and gifts
The youth was blessed by their friendly and encouraging attitudes.
Even the adults was blessed in witnessing what could happen when God's people united.
It was truly a blessed moments. (Ps 133)

These experience had also brought a revival in me.
PTL!

Counting My Blessings

People say, good memories are easily forgotten,
but bad memories, hurts, bitterness, hatreds, they stay (longer)...


coming to the last semester of my study,
I decided to count my blessings...
to help my "short-term memory" remember how good God has been to me,
and to remember how much I'm loved by Him through the people surround me :)

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

in the silent

I prayed like the psalmists
I grumbled of those who ruined my peace
I reported those who wronged me

Things I had been keeping inside my heart
cause they're not pleasant to be heard
Grudges I treasured inside my mind
cause I learned to "accept" others' differences
Today I poured them all

not to friends
nor to the closest one in my life
but only to You,
my Everlasting Comforter,
Source of fullness of peace
both in heart and mind

Cleanse my heart o, Lord

and grant me peace..

Final year begin..

Finally, i've become one of the the final year students in School of Church Music, SBC.
Just right before the school start, many "not so happy" news came in..
new students being discouraged by the stories regarding some teachers,
some returning students had their major teacher changed,
the bulky schedule where almost all SOCM students are having class in the same time, which will cause difficulties in setting up private lessons and personal practices....

yet it has been very encouraging to see 10 new students coming this year in music department,
plus the relationship within my classmates is getting much better after the straight-talk we had at class trip in Malacca, end of last semester.

This final year we are all preparing for our Senior Recital, with all the targets in mind, load of stress, physically and emotionally...and plannings for the future after graduation..
Hmm.. All these anxious thoughts I commit to my God and my Savior.

He was the One who had brought me here,
His grace has been overflow during my 3 years of study here,
I know He will bring me to the end of this journey of study.

Great is Thy faithfulness unto me.

beautiful for Him

Being single again after few years of relationship is never easy, especially when you're not "that" young anymore..
It means adjustments of the daily routines, priorities, future plans, which relates to ministry, families, and financial matters.
Not only that, it also means nights of wet pillow, panda-eyes, roller-coaster emotion, or even sleepless nights..

The worst feeling comes out of a broken relationship is the feeling of unworthiness.
at least that's the feeling I experienced..
There would be times when I thought of myself very low, not as being humble...
but more to insecure and lost of confident.
Going to the mirror just to feel ugly, old, and tired.
and worst: unloved.

This is one of the song that had brought blessing and comfort for me during those times.
I think this song should be a "MUST LISTEN" song for ALL ladies, despite of your age.
In your deepest despair, remember that there's Someone who never quit loving you..

Thank You, Lord
for I know You created me beautiful for You

grow old vs grow up

Usually the "most sensitive" day of the year would be my birthday, but this year...
preparing for the junior recital has been making me much more sensitive than ever!

Usually the "most sensitive" day is literally a one day thing...
but this "sensitive" mood has been going for dayzzzzz...
(even worst than having period!)

i've been daydreaming on a lot of bad things..
imagining a lot of "what if"s..
crying silently during meditation, in the class, and before sleep..
easily discouraged by others' comments..
having detailed planning of how to take revenge of it..
or simply imagining of shouting back to them..
complaining to God about them..
complaining to God for having this emotion inside of me..
thinking of hiding in the corner under my table with my bolster and blanket for the whole day..


aarghh.. >.<
still wondering until now..
when will i become an emotionally matured person?
when will i have a "weather-proofed" heart?

a new decade of my life is about to come..
yet here i am..still with a childish thought and emotion..

grow up, will you..?!!

The "new" Beautitudes

Jesus said:
You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.
With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.
Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less -
That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God.
He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

You're blessed when you care.
At the moment of being "care-full", you find yourselves cared for.

You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right.
Then you can see God in the outside world.

You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.
That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution.
The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

Count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit Me.
What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.

Matthew 5:3-11 ~ The Message

A new horizon arose in me when I read this "new" Beautitudes.
Thank God for "The Message".
When we think that we've lost something, we actually gain more...
Cheer up, we're blessed! ^_^

shower of blessings

This semester I have 10 final exams in 2 weeks.
4 exams in the first week, and the rest in the following week.
I have been stressed, sensitive, emotional, high tempered, and physically weak...

but, look how God shows His care....
He gave me angels to surround me with love and cares.. ^_^

nite before my grade 8 theory exam, Kristina Bjorkman paste this on my door...
gr.8 theory is one of the requirement to continue the 4th year..
if any of us doesnt pass this Trinity exam, he or she will certainly be granted only Diploma,
cannot continue to Bachelor degree..
It's not something like extremely difficult.. but the consequences that follow the exam was a scary thing for everybody in my class..



and then, the note came...
comforting..
and encouraging...

she knows I love cat pictures, so she drew a cat there.. hahaha..












then the first week ended.
and now, I'm facing 5 more exams (1 of the exams was changed into an assignment) and 2 final assignments all due in next week..

again, He showered me with a lovely blessing from my roommate...

chocolate always works!!
^_^

thank you, Lord...
for sending these 2 angels for me..

Andaikan....

Few years ago, I went to Bali to visit my friend's family.
I never thought that the visit brought me a new family there.
His parents were so nice and warm towards me (and my other friend), and I still remember I went with tears when I left his parents' house.

This week, they came to Singapore!
It's actually for shushu (my friend's father)'s heart surgery.
I visited them a couple of times during their stay @ Raffles Hospital, and always enjoyed their warmth welcome...
They left Singapore today as Shushu's recovery from the surgery went well.
I hope to meet you again, Shushu, yiyi...

this is Shushu's favorite song when I met him the first time in Bali.
Everytime I listen to this song, I would remember him...





and somehow the lyrics become real with what's happening inside my heart right now...

With God's strength, I'll go on
only, I wish.....

One day, a japanesse friend shared in the music chapel based on 1 Thess 5: 16-18
"Be joyful always;
pray continually;
give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

It was a very encouraging moment for me...
she's not sharing this in an easy circumstances.
She was facing tremendous marriage problem while alone in a country that she has no relatives.
But it was through this problem, God called her to know Him, and even used her as channel to blessed, to encourage, to comfort other ladies facing the same problem.
It was one night that she comfort another lady with the same problem she experienced, she sang a song to comfort this lady.
It's a Japanesse song (I totally forgot how to pronounce it!!) with children tune, which words are taken from this passage.
The writer shared something along with the song.

Here is the quote that my japanesse friend shared based on the passages:
when u just couldnt find any reason to be happy, be joyful always!
when u're too busy to pray, pray unceasingly!
when facing the difficult circumstances n discouraging people, give thanks!
~ Rennie Ohtani

Joy is not a state of heart without problem,
but it is the presence of Christ.

a reminder

Today I read an interesting quote in "Lady in Waiting":
- impression without expression leads to depression -

hmm...reminded me on my blog..
should write more before I'm heading to depression :p

the DAY

the day is coming AGAIN.....

while all the people are saying wishes and happy this - happy that...
here i am, seated in the silence...
facing the MOST sensitive day of the year...

no title

she sleeps around 1 am everyday, wakes up at 5am to do her daily devotion and Bible reading.
morning cleaning duty comes after that, then half an hour jogging to Botanic Garden.
Breakfast, shower and make up.
Then her day "starts".

Reading assignments,
Theology papers,
Sermon assignments,
Harmony homework,
Classes,
Ear training and conducting self-practice,
Music Lessons,
Chapels,
Student Council meetings and tasks,
Duties required for scholarship, 4 hours a week,
also need to practice for music lessons too!! hmm..say, 2-3 hours per day.
must practice for church ministry also! practice their choral songs, congregation songs.

Suddenly out of nowhere someone came to her life.
what?? extra time for listening to your problems?
extra time to help you with your songs?
extra time to rehearse your songs?
I almost don't have time for myself!
Can't you see I'm very busy that I can't even breathe?

no judgments made.
simply wondering if her Bible is different with mine.
or perhaps it's just a "clash" of perspective?

a decision.

it's never an easy decision...
after so much time, emotion, and energy consumed, a difficult decision has to be made.
many things could be learned from the past,and somehow I hope have gained some growth in me.


here I am.
alone yet not lonely.
single yet contented.
no regret, only Praise the Lord.

"I know that you can do all things;
no plans of yours can be thwarted."
Job 42:1

to give up or not to give up

Should this part be played crescendo or diminuendo?
Is this part still belong to the phrase or it's the echo?
Should it be louder or softer than the previous one?
How loud is forte, and how loud is mf?
wrong fingering, think how should it be..
it's not forte, you were BANGing it!
play softer, with more flat fingers..
the running notes are not even..
left and right must be together!

desperate :(
my techniques and my knowledge are not there yet.
i'm not qualified for this exam.
i'm not even qualified to play this instrument.
i'm only a piano-minor.

"What are you doing, Eirene?"
--I'm giving up.


Look up!
then look around..
exam is not about getting distinctions..
many people had merits or even simply passed, but they passed.
it's the process.
how the endurance is being built,
humility to be molded,
patience to persevere,
and to experience God's grace and strength instead of my own.

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world—not even our troubles."

Charlie Chaplin

Thank you, Lord....

in remembrance of
a lonely night
@ Singapore Botanic Garden

Thank you, Lord..
for always being there for me..

teachable...

It is almost the end of my second semester here, and next week will be our jury week.
yesterday, my voice lecturer, Mrs. Alice Mui said this to me at the end of my voice lesson,
"i really enjoyed teaching you.. you are so teachable.."

her encouragement made me reflect back to my last semester memories of voice lessons,
even to my journal which I wrote on last semester about this...

it was never been easy for me...
God knows how many times I got angry to her,
not knowing what she really wants from me,
having strange feeling in the technical things she asked me to do,
and even got sick of singing....


when I went home, people said I sang clearer and better,
and I stood there, confused...what's the different..?
I thought I didnt get anything "new" from my teacher.

as I realized how arrogant I was,
I knelt and asked GOD a heart fulled of desire to learn,
a humble heart...
a disciple heart...
a servant heart...

and if I can be as I am now...
enjoying every lesson I have with her, and even more lessons outside the regular times...
enjoying being "mold" by her,
happily shaped into what she thinks is better for me..

that kind of heart..
that kind of attitude..
I know exactly it's TOTALLY because of God's grace,
because of His love...

dan bila aku berdiri
tegar sampai hari ini
bukan karena kuat dan hebatku
semua karena Cinta
terima kasih, Cinta....

Lord, please help me to stay consistent...

the anxious times...

it's been quite a while since I can sleep tight at night...
these few weeks, no matter how tired I am, how late I sleeps, my sleeps always end at around 5am.

I'm tired...
lack of sleep,
assignments' due,
choir rehearsals,
practices for performances,
the routine morning duties and table duties,
church responsibilities,
Student Council tasks,
relationship with friends and families...

aaarrghh....
I was crying while reading Psalm 4
Lord, I really want to lie down and sleep in peace...
please grant me peace in my heart and in my mind...
T_T