teachable...

It is almost the end of my second semester here, and next week will be our jury week.
yesterday, my voice lecturer, Mrs. Alice Mui said this to me at the end of my voice lesson,
"i really enjoyed teaching you.. you are so teachable.."

her encouragement made me reflect back to my last semester memories of voice lessons,
even to my journal which I wrote on last semester about this...

it was never been easy for me...
God knows how many times I got angry to her,
not knowing what she really wants from me,
having strange feeling in the technical things she asked me to do,
and even got sick of singing....


when I went home, people said I sang clearer and better,
and I stood there, confused...what's the different..?
I thought I didnt get anything "new" from my teacher.

as I realized how arrogant I was,
I knelt and asked GOD a heart fulled of desire to learn,
a humble heart...
a disciple heart...
a servant heart...

and if I can be as I am now...
enjoying every lesson I have with her, and even more lessons outside the regular times...
enjoying being "mold" by her,
happily shaped into what she thinks is better for me..

that kind of heart..
that kind of attitude..
I know exactly it's TOTALLY because of God's grace,
because of His love...

dan bila aku berdiri
tegar sampai hari ini
bukan karena kuat dan hebatku
semua karena Cinta
terima kasih, Cinta....

Lord, please help me to stay consistent...

the anxious times...

it's been quite a while since I can sleep tight at night...
these few weeks, no matter how tired I am, how late I sleeps, my sleeps always end at around 5am.

I'm tired...
lack of sleep,
assignments' due,
choir rehearsals,
practices for performances,
the routine morning duties and table duties,
church responsibilities,
Student Council tasks,
relationship with friends and families...

aaarrghh....
I was crying while reading Psalm 4
Lord, I really want to lie down and sleep in peace...
please grant me peace in my heart and in my mind...
T_T

My First Holy Week in Singapore

the Maundy Thursday Chapel at school was awesome..
it is my first experience on Maundy Thursday (I never have it back home).

it was actually close to the Good Friday Service in my home-church,
remembering Christ's suffering, the cross, the last supper, etc...etc..
but at this time, Dr.Merlyn Yap arranged a service where we were not only doing the "feel" and "hear" but also "touch"...
she combined those three senses of ours to deepen our understanding of the cross.

Started with 4 persons reading on Christ being beaten 40 times minus 1.
He's beaten because of our transgression, our sins...
it is our pride, our selfishness, our lust, our anger, our cruelty that He bore on His back..
around 5 or 6 stanzas of a hymn "Were You There" became alive in front of me...
when I put my fingers on a "crown" of thorns...
when I held a big nail, which actually still smaller than the one they used to my Jesus...

Lord, how deep is your love for me...
it's indeed beyond measure...

This holy week was very packed and fulled with lots of "activities".
I spent the Thursday night with a service in my FE church, St. Peter's Church..
having James as my pianist, and enjoy serving together with the choir for the Maundy Thursday Service. It's amazing how we can worked out together with only 1 practice with the pianist.
the rehearsal itself was quite disaster because of the "slightly" different view of the tempo...for ALL of the songs..
but at the service itself, we managed the tempo very well..
^_^

The next day, I went back there again for the Good Friday Service.
After that, I rushed to GKY Singapore to participate in their "mini cantata".
I sang "Via Dolorosa"...
It's been awhile since the last time I sang that song..
and I felt so blessed, so deeply touched by the words, the music, the emotions....

Saturday was a different story...
it's our concert day with SSO (again)..
We sang "Haydn Mass" at the Esplanade.
I just felt -plain- when I sang it..
somehow..it was just a good music, nothing more.
hmm...need more "enlightenment" about it.

.....

me and peter

yes, I'm talking about Peter, the apostle of Jesus Christ!!

During these few weeks, I don't know how many times I've heard about Peter, or message taken from Peter's epistle.
Out of nowhere, my thought flew to him personally.
I remember him as the fastest among Jesus' disciples to give responses, answers, and even fast to do what he thinks right.
remember:
Peter's answer on Jesus's question "who am I" on Luke 9:18-27;
Peter's response during the transfiguration on Luke 9:33
Peter's promise to defend Jesus during the Last Supper on Luke 22:33
Peter's action when Jesus was arrested on John 18:10
and finally,
Peter's answer on Jesus' question "do you love me" on John 21:15-25

I reflect on myself....
remembering how I often (if not ALMOST ALWAYS) give quick response in anything..
looking at Peter's life was like having a mirror in front of me.
fast of answering, giving response in some matters, and even putting into acts without a deeper thoughts about it.

Being realized of this attitude inside me, sometimes I remember to withhold my responses to spend more time to think deeper about it..
Although many times the response seldom change from the first response I made, I know I would have a better reason to have this particular response.
And this reason is the one that uphold me in times of uncertainty, discourage, or confusion.

But in some cases, I thank God for these "fast response" I had..
knowing that if I didn't do/answer earlier, I might have changed my mind and lose the opportunities.

Aaargghh...
Life really put me in so many choices, options which can lead to different things...
just like an old children book I used to read, when you think A then go to "this" page, if you think B then go to "this" page...
each option you take will brings you to the different "Ending" of the stories.

My anxiousness turned to joy when I remember of Rom8:28
"And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
This promise certainly comforts me, just like fresh dew in the dry morning...
Knowing that He will uphold me, no matter what I decision I made.

It doesn't mean I can choose carelessly and ask Him to make it "right"....
but for me personally,
it's more to having certainty in whatever response I made, GOD is "at work".
Just like he drew Peter back with his three question on "do you love me"...
curing Peter's feeling of unworthiness and disappointment...

He cares.
And just as He didnt leave Peter with his "unworthy" condition,
I believe that He will do the same if I come to a "wrong" choice..

so, don't quit, Eirene!!
keep pressing on...
and thank God for everything He has given inside you.
^_^