Moses and me..

There was this song about Moses sung at this previous combined chapel (during Music Week).
It is a recitative but indeed melodious-21century mix with gospel style-creatively presented by the music pastor of International Baptist Church.

But the ending part was the most touching part.
The movement was so melodious, explaining the application of the previous story about Moses into our present life.
When God asked Moses, ' What is that you have in your hand?'
The song reminded the listener that God asked what we have in our hands, not something that we dont have. God want to use it. But the problem is...
Are we willing to give it up?
throw it down and let God use it?
Just like He used Moses' rod to save His people...

I made a reflection on my self....
There were a lot of times when I held what I got so tight, that I really didnt want to give it up to anybody, not even to God..
and sometimes even when I had decided to give it up, I didnt really give the WHOLE thing up...
i still held back some of it with me...

One thing I can recall is my voice.
My voice teacher, Mrs.Alice Mui mentioned about the parable of talent in my previous lesson with her. She said if God gave us 5000talents, how much does He expect back from us?
Will it be enough just to give Him back 1000talents?
or even 3000 talents or 4000talents??

It's extremely difficult to give up something you've been holding for a long time..
although the purpose for you to give it up is actually to be mold, polished, refined....to be a better you.
But still it took me one whole semester to start to "surrender" my vocal technic, and it's not even ALL of it...
I'm still struggling until this time - the middle of the second semester already-
I know I'm still holding back some of it, dont know when I can really give it up ALL..since I dont even know which part I'm still holding back...

aarrghhhh.... >.<

LORD, grant me humility to give up all I have into Your hand..
and strengthen my heart during this training time
to be able to give my best unto You
and to be blessing for others...

the differences..

An interesting fact happened when I was helping two of my classmates in "ear training" subject.
Like usual I gave them a few bars of melodic line and then asked them to write them in the manuscript paper.
My classmates were writing in their own papers and doing a little bit humming, and solfege-ing :p
Suddenly one of them asked me about a note and when I answered him, the other one got confused and started to ask me questions regarding the melodies I gave them because my answer to the other boy confused him. When I explained to the second boy, the first boy also got confused!

Suddenly I laughed, because they were not "talking" in the same language..!!
The first boy has perfect pitch, so he and I were talking in the fixed DO context, while the other boy was thinking in movable DO, so it doesn't make sense to him. And when I explained to the second boy I was talking in movable DO, so it confused the first boy.
I was stunned by the fact that with a single melody line, you can grabbed different methods, but at the end, the "end-product" could not be different.

Personally, I encountered this fact also regarding the Word of God.
How come the same Word, the same Bible, the same faith could bring people in such a great disunity.. I haven't had Doctrines as my course subjects for now, but I'm looking forward to it, and I recall one of my friend explained the debate between Armenian and Calvinist, and how she got almost frustrated in making paper on it..

I would tend to think for myself hmm....perhaps what people call, apathetic.
There might be different ways to understand the Bible, to put our faith into our limited words and logic, but the end-product is the most important thing.
Are we going to sit down and spend our life time just to discuss our faith?
Will more words and talks transform our lives...?

No wonder James could bravely said,
Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:17)

I believe our faith transform not only our minds and souls, but also our lives.
And the end-product of the real faith doesn't need to be spoken out, it will be simply seen.
And I believe that is much more attractive for others to know our Lord than a grand debate on doctrines.

me and my thoughts

Before Chinese New Year break, I received my grades for the last semester.
It was a very high achievement for me.
I was very thankful, happy, and kind of glad knowing that my hardwork was not for nothing..
Above all, I gave thanks to God, because everything I achieved was only by His grace alone.

When I looked back to the last semester,
all the choir-concerts we had with those "thousands" of go-for-sight-readings rehearsals,
tons of reading assignments that led me scoring myself a "0" (zero) because I finished the reading more than 10 days after the due date.. (hix!!),
papers that killing my brain by thinking what are OTHER words I could use to express my thoughts... (My vocabulary is just SO POOR!!)
and the voice and piano practices that were not only time and effort consuming, but also mentally irritating..

and I knew I couldn't make it unless with the divine strength from God alone..



After the thanksgiving feeling was over,
then suddenly out-of-nowhere came the thoughts of other's grades...
how are my other friends' grades..?
Did they score as "high" as I do??
I started to think of my friends one by one..
and then something came.... thoughts of my other friends that would probably got higher GPA than me..
I found one person in my thoughts.
I never asked her about her GPA, but my "imaginative" calculator told me she scored higher.
Then I began to grumble before GOD..
I know I deserve what I gain, meaning that I realized I don't deserve more than that. And if my friend got higher, it's purely because she deserved to get that, because she is very smart, diligent and hardworking person.

But then...
I always helped other friends in some subjects, and by doing that actually I spent my study-time many hours every week just to assist the others, while she could study for herself, for her own grades.
I really felt mad at God, it's really not fair.
As the result, I became resentful toward my friend, while she knows nothing about it.
I really thought that I'm surrounded by self-centered people, who only care about themselves without thinking of helping others.
And I was thinking to become one of them.
Just one self-centered person more in this world wont give much harm to the world anyway...

It took me several weeks to realize the REAL cause of my angry feeling.
It was jealousy.
And it's destroying my soul day by day.
Until one time, in his illustration, my teacher mentioned about "not knowing others' grades is the best". It would avoid comparisons, lack of self-confidence, and in many cases, arrogancy.

Only by then I started questioning my self, what are my grades for...
Am I doing all the hard work only for the grades?
Or will it be very useful to hunt for "jobs" after I graduate?
Suddenly I felt so ridiculous I've been these weeks.
Wasting time and energy resenting others instead of thanking what He's given me...

When I look up, I actually didn't see those my "negative-thoughts".
They were only inside my brain.
And they entered my soul because I let them to.
I really should close the door now, and sweep everything out :p

My dear Lord,
thank you for bringing me back :)
thank you for your unconditional love that accepts me just as I am.

The Bakkwa

After finishing the choir rehearsal at my FE (field education) church last Saturday evening, like usual I went to AMK to shop some stuff.
When I passed a bakkwa (barbecued pork) store, I was thinking...
"hmm...having bakkwa would be nice.."

So I thought I would consider again later after I finished my shopping. Having finished the shopping, I walked home and passed that store again.
I started to walk slower, looking at the price (it was above 50 SGD/kg), and counting how many grams would I buy and how much would it cost me..
After silently counting, I got an approximate cost. It would cost 3 to 4 times of meals at the hawker. And I was about to spend it only for bakkwa??
I finally decided not to buy that and went home straight away.

Later that night, I was practicing piano at the music studio, suddenly out of nowhere, my friend Kok Sieng (Joshua) came and offered me cookies from his auntie. He got a package of Chinese New Year foods. He was asking me if I want to take some cookies, and I deliberately asked him if it was a bakkwa filling cookies or not.. and he laugh.. (is there EVER any bakkwa cookies???) He just replied, it's green bean cookies. So I took 1 small cookie from his jar, then he suddenly said.. "but I do have some bakkwa.." My eyes became bigger as I looked at him. I think my eyes was as big as a goldfish's eyes!
He told me to follow him out of the studio and opened his box of package. He took out a package of bakkwa and offered me to take 1 slice.
I was so amazed, never thought that my little "desire" would be fulfilled. At that night before I slept, I talked with God and thanked Him for answering my "wish" for bakkwa..
^^


Later on Sunday morning, the conggregation and the choir sang "All The Way My Savior Leads Me" at the end of the service.
I recalled once God also answered Fanny J. Crosby's prayer just in a few moments, that inspire her to write a poem, which latter on was musicalized into that familiar hymn.

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who thro' life has been my Guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell
For I know, whatever befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

(text: Fanny J.Crosby; music: Robert Lowry)

He was not only listening to my prayer,
but He knew my "silent desire"
and He just showed His mercies upon me.
It was never a coincidence.

My lips shall praise Thee
for Thy loving kindness is better than life.

I know HE watches me

A couple times living far from home made me have 2 extreme feelings.
Sometimes I could just live as if I have no relatives, and living a "peaceful" life in my own world, without knowing or just didn't give any care for the problems and all those struggles at home.
I could feel as if I'm an outsider, no need to interfere in "their" internal matters, let "them" handle "their" problems. And I was happy with those thoughts, I enjoy my "singleness" and living it out with contentment.

On the other hand,
when I finally brought myself to the understanding for my family's internal matters, my life became fulled of worries, confuses and a lot of anxious thoughts just floating in my mind.
My sleeps become restless, my appetite suddenly gone, and sometimes it also distracts me from my focus.

And it stroke again in these few days.
the anxiousness was coming..
thoughts about my "baby" sister, about her education and her needs,
about my parents and their relationship,
about my brother and his apathetic manner towards our family's issues,
about their occupation and financial matters,
about their daily life and the household's needs,
etc..etc..

though I have already had a lot of lessons regarding anxiousness,
still.... I must learn, and continue learning..
to trust the ONE who settled us all in this family,
under the rule of HIS servant, named Soegijanto.

learn to surrender fully unto HIM,
trust in HIS provision,
keep counting HIS blessings,
rely on HIS love,
and desire HIS will.

Often I felt discouraged, with the length of my studies here I can barely do anything for them. But my prayer will always be with them, putting my faith unto HIM who will always care and the only ONE who can always be there for each of them.
He who puts HIS eye on the sparrow, would watches my family even more....

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely
and long for heav'n and home

When Jesus is my portion?
My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me

His Eye is On the Sparrow by Civilla D.Martin,
music by Charles H.Gabriel

tired...

the second semester is only going to the 3rd week, but somehow i feel exhausted already.

I started this semester with sore throat, losing voice and coughing..
made me spend extra time for making lohanguo drinks, honey-lemon drinks, chrysantemum tea, salt-lemon concentrate, salt-water, steamed pear with chinese medicine, shopping extra fruits like apples, bananas, etc..
ooh..

I was so very occupied that I'd just realized, I didnt even bring my illness to GOD, my creator, the ONE who knows my body more than everyone in the whole world..
what on earth was I talking about in my prayers everyday anyway???????!!!
aaargghhh...

sometimes I can really do "formal" prayers with "default" words and sentences.. >.<
and other times I think He is so great that He wouldn't be interested in my "tiny-little" problems.. like sore throat..
when I started to lose my voice, couldnt follow the choir rehearsals' schedule, cancelling the voice lesson.. only then I started to realized, this isn't tiny anymore..
and only by then I realized, I havent even mentioned my throat to Him..!
not that He didnt know about it..
it just showed how shallow my relationship with Him lately, I think..
I can easily mentioned about it to my friends, but how could I missed telling Him about it..??!!
the coughing hasn't ended yet, suddenly the allergic symptoms came..
it's all over my face, although it's not too bad, it's just confusing me..
what happened to my body??
hmmph.. >.<

then this thing happened..
I lost my keys. Dorm-card, room key, and mailbox key.
all of that cost me 25 S$ because I tried looking for them for 2days and still couldnt find it.
I got stress up, confused, and just...disturbed with this case.
I could't stop feeling upset to myself, thinking how careless I was..
so I finally decided to give up, so just paid to the bussiness office, get the new dorm-card, waiting for the rest of keys being duplicated..
and suddenly this afternoon my roommate found my keys during her cleaning our room..
somehow it was in her basket on her table..
how could it be??? no one could ever answer that question, I think..
hmmph.. >.<

and at the end of this 2nd week, when I scrolled down my agenda, I saw the due dates of my assignments were just..coming..and keep coming..and keep coming..
so many things to be read, to be written, to be practiced, to be sung, and it's just keep going and going..
aaarrrghhh.....


Lord, You know I'm not as healthy and as strong as people think I am..
I'm physically weak..
I'm sick now..
not only physically, but also with my life, I guess..
I'm tired..
I just wanna rest for a while..
sleep for a day..
well...a little longer would be better..

but...
I know You dont call me to come here just to sleep..

then...
I remember..

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
II Cor 12:9

I just want to come into Your loving arm, and rest there..
May in my weaknesses, Your power be known, O Lord..

e.

the fruit...

John 15:1-8

the verse i got from yesterday's service, spoken by God through His servant, Rev.Freddy Lay..
exposing about the fruits of a tree that attract people to see the tree.
I tried to track back my life..
in my attitude,
in my words,
in my cares for others,
in my services (so-called:serving GOD),
in my piano-playing,
in my singing,
in my dreams toward the future...

who would people see through all of that??
Can people see God through my life?
hmm...

and where did those fruits coming from anyway?
they came from the branches that stick on the tree!
"If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from me you can do nothing." (v.5b)

Three wonderful things that happen when we abide in Him:
* a fruitful life
* a trustful life
* a disciple's life


Lord, as I serve You, ministering your people,
strengthened me to always abide in You.



PS:
Today is the first time I heard with my own ear, i'm called by:
GI.Eirene Soegijanto (preacher Eirene Soegijanto)

aaaarrghh..
I'm so surprised and embarrassed..
I was like...opening my big mouth and just can't believe what I read in PPT and heard from the pulpit..
for me, the name was just..hmm..
it consists of a HUGE responsibility,
mature and godly attitude,
calm and gentle character,
and just sounds...not me...YET(??)

-- so help me God –