Thank you, Lord....

in remembrance of
a lonely night
@ Singapore Botanic Garden

Thank you, Lord..
for always being there for me..

teachable...

It is almost the end of my second semester here, and next week will be our jury week.
yesterday, my voice lecturer, Mrs. Alice Mui said this to me at the end of my voice lesson,
"i really enjoyed teaching you.. you are so teachable.."

her encouragement made me reflect back to my last semester memories of voice lessons,
even to my journal which I wrote on last semester about this...

it was never been easy for me...
God knows how many times I got angry to her,
not knowing what she really wants from me,
having strange feeling in the technical things she asked me to do,
and even got sick of singing....


when I went home, people said I sang clearer and better,
and I stood there, confused...what's the different..?
I thought I didnt get anything "new" from my teacher.

as I realized how arrogant I was,
I knelt and asked GOD a heart fulled of desire to learn,
a humble heart...
a disciple heart...
a servant heart...

and if I can be as I am now...
enjoying every lesson I have with her, and even more lessons outside the regular times...
enjoying being "mold" by her,
happily shaped into what she thinks is better for me..

that kind of heart..
that kind of attitude..
I know exactly it's TOTALLY because of God's grace,
because of His love...

dan bila aku berdiri
tegar sampai hari ini
bukan karena kuat dan hebatku
semua karena Cinta
terima kasih, Cinta....

Lord, please help me to stay consistent...

the anxious times...

it's been quite a while since I can sleep tight at night...
these few weeks, no matter how tired I am, how late I sleeps, my sleeps always end at around 5am.

I'm tired...
lack of sleep,
assignments' due,
choir rehearsals,
practices for performances,
the routine morning duties and table duties,
church responsibilities,
Student Council tasks,
relationship with friends and families...

aaarrghh....
I was crying while reading Psalm 4
Lord, I really want to lie down and sleep in peace...
please grant me peace in my heart and in my mind...
T_T

My First Holy Week in Singapore

the Maundy Thursday Chapel at school was awesome..
it is my first experience on Maundy Thursday (I never have it back home).

it was actually close to the Good Friday Service in my home-church,
remembering Christ's suffering, the cross, the last supper, etc...etc..
but at this time, Dr.Merlyn Yap arranged a service where we were not only doing the "feel" and "hear" but also "touch"...
she combined those three senses of ours to deepen our understanding of the cross.

Started with 4 persons reading on Christ being beaten 40 times minus 1.
He's beaten because of our transgression, our sins...
it is our pride, our selfishness, our lust, our anger, our cruelty that He bore on His back..
around 5 or 6 stanzas of a hymn "Were You There" became alive in front of me...
when I put my fingers on a "crown" of thorns...
when I held a big nail, which actually still smaller than the one they used to my Jesus...

Lord, how deep is your love for me...
it's indeed beyond measure...

This holy week was very packed and fulled with lots of "activities".
I spent the Thursday night with a service in my FE church, St. Peter's Church..
having James as my pianist, and enjoy serving together with the choir for the Maundy Thursday Service. It's amazing how we can worked out together with only 1 practice with the pianist.
the rehearsal itself was quite disaster because of the "slightly" different view of the tempo...for ALL of the songs..
but at the service itself, we managed the tempo very well..
^_^

The next day, I went back there again for the Good Friday Service.
After that, I rushed to GKY Singapore to participate in their "mini cantata".
I sang "Via Dolorosa"...
It's been awhile since the last time I sang that song..
and I felt so blessed, so deeply touched by the words, the music, the emotions....

Saturday was a different story...
it's our concert day with SSO (again)..
We sang "Haydn Mass" at the Esplanade.
I just felt -plain- when I sang it..
somehow..it was just a good music, nothing more.
hmm...need more "enlightenment" about it.

.....

me and peter

yes, I'm talking about Peter, the apostle of Jesus Christ!!

During these few weeks, I don't know how many times I've heard about Peter, or message taken from Peter's epistle.
Out of nowhere, my thought flew to him personally.
I remember him as the fastest among Jesus' disciples to give responses, answers, and even fast to do what he thinks right.
remember:
Peter's answer on Jesus's question "who am I" on Luke 9:18-27;
Peter's response during the transfiguration on Luke 9:33
Peter's promise to defend Jesus during the Last Supper on Luke 22:33
Peter's action when Jesus was arrested on John 18:10
and finally,
Peter's answer on Jesus' question "do you love me" on John 21:15-25

I reflect on myself....
remembering how I often (if not ALMOST ALWAYS) give quick response in anything..
looking at Peter's life was like having a mirror in front of me.
fast of answering, giving response in some matters, and even putting into acts without a deeper thoughts about it.

Being realized of this attitude inside me, sometimes I remember to withhold my responses to spend more time to think deeper about it..
Although many times the response seldom change from the first response I made, I know I would have a better reason to have this particular response.
And this reason is the one that uphold me in times of uncertainty, discourage, or confusion.

But in some cases, I thank God for these "fast response" I had..
knowing that if I didn't do/answer earlier, I might have changed my mind and lose the opportunities.

Aaargghh...
Life really put me in so many choices, options which can lead to different things...
just like an old children book I used to read, when you think A then go to "this" page, if you think B then go to "this" page...
each option you take will brings you to the different "Ending" of the stories.

My anxiousness turned to joy when I remember of Rom8:28
"And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
This promise certainly comforts me, just like fresh dew in the dry morning...
Knowing that He will uphold me, no matter what I decision I made.

It doesn't mean I can choose carelessly and ask Him to make it "right"....
but for me personally,
it's more to having certainty in whatever response I made, GOD is "at work".
Just like he drew Peter back with his three question on "do you love me"...
curing Peter's feeling of unworthiness and disappointment...

He cares.
And just as He didnt leave Peter with his "unworthy" condition,
I believe that He will do the same if I come to a "wrong" choice..

so, don't quit, Eirene!!
keep pressing on...
and thank God for everything He has given inside you.
^_^

great impact

"Small deeds done with great love will have great impact"

-Mother Teresa-

this week, the vicar in my FE church delivered a sermon of John 6:1-15,
about Jesus feeds the Five thousand.

He pointed to the boy who gave up his 5 small barley loaves and 2 small fish,
and how in God's hand it became a great blessing for 5000 men, not including women and children.
But the main thing is, this boy was willing to gave up his own "lunch"...

God can make our "small things" become great blessing for others.
The important question is...
--are we willing to give up our "lunch"..?--

Lord, grant me a sensitive eyes
to see other's needs more than mine,

grant me a sensitive mind
to know when I need to make a step for others,

grant me a faithful heart
to pray for others unceasingly

although it seems to be difficult,
although it will cost time, energy and feelings
although I may not know the reason why...

help me, Lord
to walk and live Your path..

the new age..

it's not about the world ideology..
it's just as plain as it is..
my new age..

I thank GOD for many birthday wishes (and parties) from my lovely friends..
A friend told me that I am RICH, because I have a lot of friends and people who love and care for me...
And I Thank God for that!! ^_^

I really enjoyed my 1st birthday here in singapore, with a lot of friends who has been a family for me..
I thank God for you all...
my classmates, the St.Peter's Church choir members, my lovely girlz at GKY SG who are joining the piano training under me, and all my friends who had prayed for me and given me their best wishes...
I thank God for each one of you ^_^

As God added one year in my age,
I believe He will continue to uphold me in my journey walking His path, just as He has been...

Praise the Lord!

me and missions

Last week was the mission emphasis week in my school, ended with exhibition and performances in the international nite, where the Indonesian students presented "Sik Sik Si Batumanikam" in 4 parts acapella with dancing I learned from Unpar Choir ^_^

but that's not what I'm going to write right now...
the thing is..

I felt it again..
the touch..
the calling..

along the 4-day messages during the chapel time, I kept recalling my previous calling into mission, in the National Students Camp 2003. (gosh!! it's been 6 years now!!! and I still haven't gone to ANY mission field!)
There were few times I had planned to go for missions, but somethings just came out and made me have to cancel the plannings...
and those "somethings" were also important "local" ministries... :-?

So, I started to pray again for going into short-term missions.
Few choices I have in mind right now...
I'm interested to go with the SMF (SBC Mission Fellowship), which always has a mission trip at the end of every semester.
I also found "Serving in Mission", and organization that support missions and arrange for short-term mission trips.
The last choice I can think of is the most reachable one, it is in my own country, joining the ministry of a church in Yogyakarta, and I can go for 2 weeks-1month, basically up to me... ^_^

well, when I see all of these choices,
the harvests are really plenty..!!!
As His labor, would I go for Him??


As a start, I took the privilege to be a prayer-partner of a friend who is going to a mission in India in May :)
He is going to visit our other friend's hometown in India for two weeks, so it is arranged that he will give some training or workshops for the pianists, and maybe the choir in the local church there.

hmm... I envied him when he first told me about his planning..
but I realized, my time hasn't come yet..
I still have a lot to be prepared,
heart, knowledge, skills, and of course.. financial..
hmm...
keep praying on it!!! ^^

Here I am, Lord
I will go, Lord, if You lead me...

the balcony and the cellar

I got back my reflection paper yesterday, and I want to internalize my self with one of my reading for Christian Education subject on Youth Ministry..

"Let the balcony people speak to their cellar voices"

from: Ross Campbell, How to Really Love Your Teenager, Victor Books,
pg.140

The sentence explains how youngsters should learn to have an ability to filter people surround them, having people that can lift them up with love, hope and courage as "balcony people" so that they won't wallow in negativism and despair.

I know my self as a people-oriented person,
and I thanked God for giving me a lot of "balcony people" in my life,
to speak to my "cellar voice"...

My pray is that I can also be a "balcony" person for someone else, who can give comfort, courage, words of love for others who are in need...

Please help me, Lord...

Moses and me..

There was this song about Moses sung at this previous combined chapel (during Music Week).
It is a recitative but indeed melodious-21century mix with gospel style-creatively presented by the music pastor of International Baptist Church.

But the ending part was the most touching part.
The movement was so melodious, explaining the application of the previous story about Moses into our present life.
When God asked Moses, ' What is that you have in your hand?'
The song reminded the listener that God asked what we have in our hands, not something that we dont have. God want to use it. But the problem is...
Are we willing to give it up?
throw it down and let God use it?
Just like He used Moses' rod to save His people...

I made a reflection on my self....
There were a lot of times when I held what I got so tight, that I really didnt want to give it up to anybody, not even to God..
and sometimes even when I had decided to give it up, I didnt really give the WHOLE thing up...
i still held back some of it with me...

One thing I can recall is my voice.
My voice teacher, Mrs.Alice Mui mentioned about the parable of talent in my previous lesson with her. She said if God gave us 5000talents, how much does He expect back from us?
Will it be enough just to give Him back 1000talents?
or even 3000 talents or 4000talents??

It's extremely difficult to give up something you've been holding for a long time..
although the purpose for you to give it up is actually to be mold, polished, refined....to be a better you.
But still it took me one whole semester to start to "surrender" my vocal technic, and it's not even ALL of it...
I'm still struggling until this time - the middle of the second semester already-
I know I'm still holding back some of it, dont know when I can really give it up ALL..since I dont even know which part I'm still holding back...

aarrghhhh.... >.<

LORD, grant me humility to give up all I have into Your hand..
and strengthen my heart during this training time
to be able to give my best unto You
and to be blessing for others...

the differences..

An interesting fact happened when I was helping two of my classmates in "ear training" subject.
Like usual I gave them a few bars of melodic line and then asked them to write them in the manuscript paper.
My classmates were writing in their own papers and doing a little bit humming, and solfege-ing :p
Suddenly one of them asked me about a note and when I answered him, the other one got confused and started to ask me questions regarding the melodies I gave them because my answer to the other boy confused him. When I explained to the second boy, the first boy also got confused!

Suddenly I laughed, because they were not "talking" in the same language..!!
The first boy has perfect pitch, so he and I were talking in the fixed DO context, while the other boy was thinking in movable DO, so it doesn't make sense to him. And when I explained to the second boy I was talking in movable DO, so it confused the first boy.
I was stunned by the fact that with a single melody line, you can grabbed different methods, but at the end, the "end-product" could not be different.

Personally, I encountered this fact also regarding the Word of God.
How come the same Word, the same Bible, the same faith could bring people in such a great disunity.. I haven't had Doctrines as my course subjects for now, but I'm looking forward to it, and I recall one of my friend explained the debate between Armenian and Calvinist, and how she got almost frustrated in making paper on it..

I would tend to think for myself hmm....perhaps what people call, apathetic.
There might be different ways to understand the Bible, to put our faith into our limited words and logic, but the end-product is the most important thing.
Are we going to sit down and spend our life time just to discuss our faith?
Will more words and talks transform our lives...?

No wonder James could bravely said,
Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:17)

I believe our faith transform not only our minds and souls, but also our lives.
And the end-product of the real faith doesn't need to be spoken out, it will be simply seen.
And I believe that is much more attractive for others to know our Lord than a grand debate on doctrines.

me and my thoughts

Before Chinese New Year break, I received my grades for the last semester.
It was a very high achievement for me.
I was very thankful, happy, and kind of glad knowing that my hardwork was not for nothing..
Above all, I gave thanks to God, because everything I achieved was only by His grace alone.

When I looked back to the last semester,
all the choir-concerts we had with those "thousands" of go-for-sight-readings rehearsals,
tons of reading assignments that led me scoring myself a "0" (zero) because I finished the reading more than 10 days after the due date.. (hix!!),
papers that killing my brain by thinking what are OTHER words I could use to express my thoughts... (My vocabulary is just SO POOR!!)
and the voice and piano practices that were not only time and effort consuming, but also mentally irritating..

and I knew I couldn't make it unless with the divine strength from God alone..



After the thanksgiving feeling was over,
then suddenly out-of-nowhere came the thoughts of other's grades...
how are my other friends' grades..?
Did they score as "high" as I do??
I started to think of my friends one by one..
and then something came.... thoughts of my other friends that would probably got higher GPA than me..
I found one person in my thoughts.
I never asked her about her GPA, but my "imaginative" calculator told me she scored higher.
Then I began to grumble before GOD..
I know I deserve what I gain, meaning that I realized I don't deserve more than that. And if my friend got higher, it's purely because she deserved to get that, because she is very smart, diligent and hardworking person.

But then...
I always helped other friends in some subjects, and by doing that actually I spent my study-time many hours every week just to assist the others, while she could study for herself, for her own grades.
I really felt mad at God, it's really not fair.
As the result, I became resentful toward my friend, while she knows nothing about it.
I really thought that I'm surrounded by self-centered people, who only care about themselves without thinking of helping others.
And I was thinking to become one of them.
Just one self-centered person more in this world wont give much harm to the world anyway...

It took me several weeks to realize the REAL cause of my angry feeling.
It was jealousy.
And it's destroying my soul day by day.
Until one time, in his illustration, my teacher mentioned about "not knowing others' grades is the best". It would avoid comparisons, lack of self-confidence, and in many cases, arrogancy.

Only by then I started questioning my self, what are my grades for...
Am I doing all the hard work only for the grades?
Or will it be very useful to hunt for "jobs" after I graduate?
Suddenly I felt so ridiculous I've been these weeks.
Wasting time and energy resenting others instead of thanking what He's given me...

When I look up, I actually didn't see those my "negative-thoughts".
They were only inside my brain.
And they entered my soul because I let them to.
I really should close the door now, and sweep everything out :p

My dear Lord,
thank you for bringing me back :)
thank you for your unconditional love that accepts me just as I am.

The Bakkwa

After finishing the choir rehearsal at my FE (field education) church last Saturday evening, like usual I went to AMK to shop some stuff.
When I passed a bakkwa (barbecued pork) store, I was thinking...
"hmm...having bakkwa would be nice.."

So I thought I would consider again later after I finished my shopping. Having finished the shopping, I walked home and passed that store again.
I started to walk slower, looking at the price (it was above 50 SGD/kg), and counting how many grams would I buy and how much would it cost me..
After silently counting, I got an approximate cost. It would cost 3 to 4 times of meals at the hawker. And I was about to spend it only for bakkwa??
I finally decided not to buy that and went home straight away.

Later that night, I was practicing piano at the music studio, suddenly out of nowhere, my friend Kok Sieng (Joshua) came and offered me cookies from his auntie. He got a package of Chinese New Year foods. He was asking me if I want to take some cookies, and I deliberately asked him if it was a bakkwa filling cookies or not.. and he laugh.. (is there EVER any bakkwa cookies???) He just replied, it's green bean cookies. So I took 1 small cookie from his jar, then he suddenly said.. "but I do have some bakkwa.." My eyes became bigger as I looked at him. I think my eyes was as big as a goldfish's eyes!
He told me to follow him out of the studio and opened his box of package. He took out a package of bakkwa and offered me to take 1 slice.
I was so amazed, never thought that my little "desire" would be fulfilled. At that night before I slept, I talked with God and thanked Him for answering my "wish" for bakkwa..
^^


Later on Sunday morning, the conggregation and the choir sang "All The Way My Savior Leads Me" at the end of the service.
I recalled once God also answered Fanny J. Crosby's prayer just in a few moments, that inspire her to write a poem, which latter on was musicalized into that familiar hymn.

All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who thro' life has been my Guide?
Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell
For I know, whatever befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

(text: Fanny J.Crosby; music: Robert Lowry)

He was not only listening to my prayer,
but He knew my "silent desire"
and He just showed His mercies upon me.
It was never a coincidence.

My lips shall praise Thee
for Thy loving kindness is better than life.

I know HE watches me

A couple times living far from home made me have 2 extreme feelings.
Sometimes I could just live as if I have no relatives, and living a "peaceful" life in my own world, without knowing or just didn't give any care for the problems and all those struggles at home.
I could feel as if I'm an outsider, no need to interfere in "their" internal matters, let "them" handle "their" problems. And I was happy with those thoughts, I enjoy my "singleness" and living it out with contentment.

On the other hand,
when I finally brought myself to the understanding for my family's internal matters, my life became fulled of worries, confuses and a lot of anxious thoughts just floating in my mind.
My sleeps become restless, my appetite suddenly gone, and sometimes it also distracts me from my focus.

And it stroke again in these few days.
the anxiousness was coming..
thoughts about my "baby" sister, about her education and her needs,
about my parents and their relationship,
about my brother and his apathetic manner towards our family's issues,
about their occupation and financial matters,
about their daily life and the household's needs,
etc..etc..

though I have already had a lot of lessons regarding anxiousness,
still.... I must learn, and continue learning..
to trust the ONE who settled us all in this family,
under the rule of HIS servant, named Soegijanto.

learn to surrender fully unto HIM,
trust in HIS provision,
keep counting HIS blessings,
rely on HIS love,
and desire HIS will.

Often I felt discouraged, with the length of my studies here I can barely do anything for them. But my prayer will always be with them, putting my faith unto HIM who will always care and the only ONE who can always be there for each of them.
He who puts HIS eye on the sparrow, would watches my family even more....

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely
and long for heav'n and home

When Jesus is my portion?
My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He watches me

His Eye is On the Sparrow by Civilla D.Martin,
music by Charles H.Gabriel

tired...

the second semester is only going to the 3rd week, but somehow i feel exhausted already.

I started this semester with sore throat, losing voice and coughing..
made me spend extra time for making lohanguo drinks, honey-lemon drinks, chrysantemum tea, salt-lemon concentrate, salt-water, steamed pear with chinese medicine, shopping extra fruits like apples, bananas, etc..
ooh..

I was so very occupied that I'd just realized, I didnt even bring my illness to GOD, my creator, the ONE who knows my body more than everyone in the whole world..
what on earth was I talking about in my prayers everyday anyway???????!!!
aaargghhh...

sometimes I can really do "formal" prayers with "default" words and sentences.. >.<
and other times I think He is so great that He wouldn't be interested in my "tiny-little" problems.. like sore throat..
when I started to lose my voice, couldnt follow the choir rehearsals' schedule, cancelling the voice lesson.. only then I started to realized, this isn't tiny anymore..
and only by then I realized, I havent even mentioned my throat to Him..!
not that He didnt know about it..
it just showed how shallow my relationship with Him lately, I think..
I can easily mentioned about it to my friends, but how could I missed telling Him about it..??!!
the coughing hasn't ended yet, suddenly the allergic symptoms came..
it's all over my face, although it's not too bad, it's just confusing me..
what happened to my body??
hmmph.. >.<

then this thing happened..
I lost my keys. Dorm-card, room key, and mailbox key.
all of that cost me 25 S$ because I tried looking for them for 2days and still couldnt find it.
I got stress up, confused, and just...disturbed with this case.
I could't stop feeling upset to myself, thinking how careless I was..
so I finally decided to give up, so just paid to the bussiness office, get the new dorm-card, waiting for the rest of keys being duplicated..
and suddenly this afternoon my roommate found my keys during her cleaning our room..
somehow it was in her basket on her table..
how could it be??? no one could ever answer that question, I think..
hmmph.. >.<

and at the end of this 2nd week, when I scrolled down my agenda, I saw the due dates of my assignments were just..coming..and keep coming..and keep coming..
so many things to be read, to be written, to be practiced, to be sung, and it's just keep going and going..
aaarrrghhh.....


Lord, You know I'm not as healthy and as strong as people think I am..
I'm physically weak..
I'm sick now..
not only physically, but also with my life, I guess..
I'm tired..
I just wanna rest for a while..
sleep for a day..
well...a little longer would be better..

but...
I know You dont call me to come here just to sleep..

then...
I remember..

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
II Cor 12:9

I just want to come into Your loving arm, and rest there..
May in my weaknesses, Your power be known, O Lord..

e.

the fruit...

John 15:1-8

the verse i got from yesterday's service, spoken by God through His servant, Rev.Freddy Lay..
exposing about the fruits of a tree that attract people to see the tree.
I tried to track back my life..
in my attitude,
in my words,
in my cares for others,
in my services (so-called:serving GOD),
in my piano-playing,
in my singing,
in my dreams toward the future...

who would people see through all of that??
Can people see God through my life?
hmm...

and where did those fruits coming from anyway?
they came from the branches that stick on the tree!
"If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;
apart from me you can do nothing." (v.5b)

Three wonderful things that happen when we abide in Him:
* a fruitful life
* a trustful life
* a disciple's life


Lord, as I serve You, ministering your people,
strengthened me to always abide in You.



PS:
Today is the first time I heard with my own ear, i'm called by:
GI.Eirene Soegijanto (preacher Eirene Soegijanto)

aaaarrghh..
I'm so surprised and embarrassed..
I was like...opening my big mouth and just can't believe what I read in PPT and heard from the pulpit..
for me, the name was just..hmm..
it consists of a HUGE responsibility,
mature and godly attitude,
calm and gentle character,
and just sounds...not me...YET(??)

-- so help me God –

again.. a new start

FINALLY!!
i can have my personal account in blogspot... yay!!! ^^


my previous blog can hardly be reached these days.. :(
so anyway..

I'm glad to have this blog in the beginning of my 2nd semester in Singapore Bible College (SBC), not only to continue my spiritual-journaling, but also as a remembrance of God's provision, blessings, grace and mercy throughout my life and my family's.

and for now...
I thank God for the excitement facing the new semester and the years ahead..
^^

e.